Tag Archives: parenting

It’s Okay to Hate Working From Home

01/09/2020 Tracey Dowdy

By Tracey Dowdy

Are you among the millions of Americans for whom the idea of working from home sounded like a dream, but in reality, it’s turned out to be a nightmare? The blurred lines of work and home life, frequent interruptions, lack of dedicated workspace, and the logistics of working as a team via Zoom meetings and email have left millions of workers frustrated and longing for the structure and routine of the office or job site.

Take heart. You’re not alone. Recently, the CDC partnered with the Census Bureau on an experimental data system called the Household Pulse Survey. They discovered that one-third of all Americans are struggling with depression or anxiety in the wake of COVID-19, up from the 18% reported pre-COVID.

The effects of that anxiety and depression can manifest in many ways, but one of the most common is a lack of motivation and productivity. Ashley McGirt, a licensed mental health therapist, says, “Several studies have shown the connection between low work productivity and even mild forms of depression. A normal brain thinks about 70,000 thoughts a day; an anxious brain processes two to three times that amount of thoughts and can lean to low productivity from spending time perseverating on numerous thoughts. The current state of the world has caused immense grief, depression, and anxiety. Many people’s normal coping forms have been closed, such as going to the gym, movies, or [going] out with friends. As we have had to adapt to a new normal many of us have had to find new coping skills.”

Alongside our rising stress levels is the seemingly relentless barrage of bad news – racial tensions, hurricanes, problems with our health care system, and a divided political landscape – while we lack human connection to mitigate those feelings.

The most important thing to remember is that it’s okay not to be okay. This is an unprecedented season that no one outside a Cormack McCarthy novel could have anticipated. Allow yourself the grace you desperately need and accept that you aren’t at your best and may not be for some time. Beating yourself up for not meeting your pre-COVID standards only fuels your stress level. “It is extremely important to give yourself grace during this time,” McGirt says. “If all you do is get out of bed and brush your teeth consider it okay. We put too much pressure on ourselves to be productive and constantly working. It is important to slow down and rest and reflect. While we are dealing with many unknowns during this unprecedented time, it is important not to add the stress of productivity to your plate.”

One way to manage your expectations is to go through your to-do list and be merciless in eliminating what can wait. If you’re struggling to keep up with the dishes, use paper plates. If meal planning is overwhelming, switch to simple meals like breakfast for dinner or sandwiches to limit prep and clean up.

Take breaks whenever you can, even if it’s just stepping out your front door and taking a few deep breaths to clear your head. Self-care isn’t only bubble baths and spa days; it can be as simple as savoring a cup of tea, taking five minutes to meditate, or getting up to move your body.

Years ago, Mad TV had a hilarious recurring sketch, “Lowered Expectations.” Though your life may not be the mess those characters were, there’s nothing wrong with lowering the expectations you set for yourself short-term. Life is far from normal, so allow yourself to lower the bar and celebrate your wins every chance you get. Accomplishing everything on a shorter-than-usual-to-do list gives you a mental boost, whereas an incomplete list inevitably feels like failure.

So, stand up straight, look in the mirror, and give yourself a “You’re doing great sweetie,” because you are.

Tracey Dowdy is a freelance writer based just outside Washington DC. After years working for non-profits and charities, she now freelances, edits, and researches on subjects ranging from family and education to history and trends in technology. Follow Tracey on Twitter.

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How to Talk to Your Children About COVID-19

13/03/2020 Tracey Dowdy 165 Comments

By Tracey Dowdy

The World Health Organization has announced that the Coronavirus (COVID-19) has been diagnosed in 114 countries, killed more than 4,000 people, and is now officially a pandemic. Even though WHO Director-General Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus urged people not to be fearful because of its status as a pandemic, many parents and children have anxiety about their own health as well as the health of loved ones.

As parents, it’s important to remember that our children look to us and other adult authority figures such as teachers, coaches, and Scout leaders for guidance on how to respond to such news. These guidelines from The National Association of School Psychologists and National Association of School Nurses can help you navigate those difficult conversations, allay unnecessary fears and keep your children safe through preventive measures.

Children are constant observers, so remember that your children will react to and follow your reactions – both what you say and what you do. Allow them to share their feelings, show compassion, and remind them that you and their teachers, coaches, and other adults at their school are working to keep them safe and healthy. Unless they have compromised immune systems, even though children may still catch the virus, they’re far less likely to experience symptoms.

Be careful in your conversations not to lay blame on specific people, groups, or organizations and as always, avoid stereotyping or bullying language. It’s also a good idea to be mindful of watching or listening to the news when your children are around as the frequent reports on the virus may increase their anxiety. Remind your children that not everything they see online is real, and to always consider the source to determine whether what they read or saw is fact or fiction.

Try to maintain as much normalcy as safe and possible by sticking to your routines and keeping up with schoolwork, even if there are temporary school closures and distance learning.

Finally, remember how quickly rumors spread around the school when you were a child and how gullible you often were. Having these conversations is important because often what we imagine is far more frightening than reality. Remind them of basic precautions like washing their hands for at least 20 seconds – the length of time it takes to sing Happy Birthday twice – or use hand sanitizer if there’s no sink nearby. The virus can live on some surfaces for up to nine days, so remind them to wipe down their tablets and phones or have you do it, and avoid sharing food or drinks with their friends.

The most important thing for them to hear is that there’s no need to panic, and as always, you’re actively working to keep them safe and healthy.

Tracey Dowdy is a freelance writer based just outside Washington DC. After years working for non-profits and charities, she now freelances, edits and researches on subjects ranging from family and education to history and trends in technology. Follow Tracey on Twitter.

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Informational Websites for Busy Parents

20/09/2019 Tracey Dowdy 291 Comments

By Tracey Dowdy

Keeping up with what’s happening in the world around you should be easy. Information has never been more accessible, yet somehow, we’re often ill-informed. Our 24-hour news cycle makes it a challenge to sift through the onslaught of information constantly coming at us, and with so much “fake news” out there, how do we know who to trust?

These sites are great resources to help you stay in the know with what you need to know when you need to know it.

Both Amazon Alexa and Google Nest offer streamlined, customizable skills for news and weather information. Google Nest allows you to choose your news sources and customize the order in which they play. Just say, “Ok, Google, listen to news.” Alexa’s Flash Briefing delivers news and content from popular broadcasters, local weather information, even comedy, interviews and more. Just say “Hey Alexa, what’s the news?”

Flipboard consolidates the information you’re interested in down to one easily scrollable page. Choose the topics that interest you from categories such as Technology, Parenting, Entertainment, Design, and Health, and Flipboard will curate relevant news and information. Simply ‘flip’ through each page and topic to see a headline or brief, then tap to go directly to the article.

Because Twitter is comprised of millions of users around the world, it’s a great resource for breaking news, often posting before broadcast networks or other major news sources. Check trending topics or search for specific sources like the Washington Post, NPR, or NBC.

Pocket allows users to save stories, articles, and videos from virtually any publication, page or app. Not only can you curate and customize the content you want to see, but you can also save the story in in your “pocket” to review at a more convenient time, even offline. When you’re ready, click on the content and ready or listen without distraction, on any Android or iOS device.

The Skimm presents world events with an informative and witty style. Users get a daily email recapping the latest news, breaking down the daily avalanche of news into bite-size pieces.

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Introducing Interactive Books From Disney and Google Home

15/09/2019 Tracey Dowdy 1 Comment

By Tracey Dowdy

Remember Little Golden Books? I had them when I was a child, and I loved reading them to my daughters when they were little. I have such fond memories of reading together every night at bedtime, even long after they were old enough and reading on their own. I did voices and sound effects, and it was so much fun.

My husband, on the other hand, though he graduated summa cum laude, is dreadful at reading aloud. He hates it, and our girls dreaded if dad was putting them to bed and would be the one reading. The one upside is that they fell asleep quickly, either from sheer boredom or to escape from the situation.

But, with a stroke of genius, the Disney arm of Little Golden Books has announced a collaboration with Google Home that allows readers to listen to music and sound effects as the books are read aloud.

Disney’s partnership with Little Golden Books dates back to the 1940s, in fact, Disney Studio artists illustrated some of the most popular Little Golden Books to bring in income during World War II.

There are several titles to choose from including classics like Alice in Wonderland and Peter Pan as well as newer stories like Moana, Coco, and Toy Story 3. They’ve promised to continue adding titles throughout the year. To activate the feature, you’ll need two things: a compatible Disney’s Little Golden Book and a Google Home device. To enable, say, “OK Google, let’s read along with Disney,” and your device will respond with “Okay, what book are we going to read?”

Once you begin reading, the music and sound effects will follow the text and bonus! If you skip ahead – you know you’ve done it, we all have – your Google Home will skip ahead with you and pick up where you’re reading. Plus, if your little one wants to talk about why the puppy is so Poky or talk about his desire to be a Lost Boy and live in Neverland, your Google Home will play ambient music in the background until you’re ready to pick up where you left off reading.

Reading aloud to children has been proven to increase language skills, develops positive attitudes toward reading and learning, builds a foundation for academic success, and increases the bond between you and your child. This collaboration enhances your experience and makes it even more fun.

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Supporting Your Child’s Transition to College

30/08/2019 Tracey Dowdy 105 Comments

By Tracey Dowdy

The transition from high school senior to college freshman is more complicated than string theory and can be more emotionally overwrought than a Nicholas Sparks novel. The joyful anticipation of being free to make one’s own decisions can quickly devolve into the overwhelming and stressful realization that freedom means responsibility and an expectation of independence. It can also leave students feeling lonely and isolated.

Emery Bergmann, a Cornell University freshman, has garnered national attention for a video she created on just how lonely and strange that transition from high school to college can be. “So I’m a brand spanking new freshman in college and like I guess I just assumed that once I was at school that like it was going to be like, I’ve got a million friends, I was going to party all the time, and it was going to be lit, but it’s just not really like that,” she says. “I really haven’t found anyone I’m close with, and I spend a lot of time in my dorm room, and all the people I talk to are like, ‘I swear to God you’re going to find your people,’ but like, where are they?”

Ironically, Bergman isn’t alone in her feelings. According to a 2017 survey of nearly 48,000 college students by the American College Health Association, 64% of college students said they had felt “very lonely” in the previous 12 months, while only 19% reported they never felt lonely.

Bergman notes in her video that social media made her feelings of loneliness even worse. Even though she “knows it is fake,” those posts can often make it seem as if everyone else is living their best lives while you spend Friday night alone in your dorm room making ramen.

It’s no secret that social media has simultaneously brought us together while pushing us farther apart. Social psychologist Sherry Turkle describes it as being “alone, together.” Though students may be connected to hundreds or even of thousands of followers and friends online, in reality, they experience far fewer in-depth, meaningful, reliable, and long term emotional relationships.

The good news is more and more students are open about their feelings of loneliness and isolation, and there’s less stigma surrounding more serious mental health issues like anxiety and depression.

As a parent, it’s essential to stay engaged while keeping a healthy distance. In other words, check-in, but leave your helicopter on the pad. Every time you intervene and try to solve a challenge facing your student, you undermine their confidence and imply they’re incapable of taking care of themselves. That has long term consequences – a study by two Cal State University-Fresno professors found that over-parenting college students resulted in “lower maladaptive job search and work behavior.” Instead, encourage them to be resourceful and use the services offered by their school. Most offer tutoring, academic, health, and social services, usually at little or no cost.

As you navigate this new relationship and learn what your role is as the parent of an adult, keep the Goldilocks Rule in mind when you’re tempted to check-in. Are you checking in too much? Not enough? Are you too intrusive? Too distant? Ask your child for their input and respect their boundaries.

Keep in mind that just like Goldilock’s porridge, the frequency of contact from your student will run hot and cold, but you’ll eventually find what’s “just right” for both of you. Rest assured you’ll likely still be a constant source of support for your child. They’re exploring new experiences and relationships. If you’ve had a healthy relationship all along, there’s no reason for that to change. A survey by the Jed Foundation found that parents are the primary source of support for 63% of college students experiencing emotional distress. As long as you keep the lines of communication as open as you would if they were still living at home, that relationship will continue to grow and mature in healthy ways, just like your child.

If you’re concerned your student is struggling with anxiety, depression, or suicidal thoughts, talk to a suicide hotline or substance abuse center for professional advice. Phone calls are free, anonymous, and may save your child’s life.

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Helping Your Kids Back into their School Routine

23/08/2019 Tracey Dowdy 1,149 Comments

Depending on your school district, your children are either back to school already or about to hit the ground running. Or staggering. Or moaning and dragging. Let’s face it, if your kiddos have enjoyed a lazy summer with late nights and even later mornings, getting back into a school-days routine can be slightly less tortuous than waterboarding.

If your child is feeling anxious about going back to school with a new teacher and classmates, don’t dismiss their feelings – validate them. Reassure them that facing new people and new situations can be stressful for adults too and reassure them you will do everything you can to support them and make their school year a success.

One of the biggest changes as you transition from summer to school is to your morning routine. Start by talking your kids through what the morning will look like and what your expectations for them will be. Get organized, especially if your child isn’t a morning person. Help them plan out what they’ll wear, pack their backpack, and prepare their lunch or snack the night before. The key is simplicity and clarity – make sure they know exactly what you expect from them. “Regular routines provide a kid’s developing brain with a template for how to organize and manage daily life. By gradually turning over the responsibility for self-management, we support the brain’s development and ensure that our kids learn how to manage themselves, ” says Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.

If your children are young or struggle with staying on task, create a chart on your smartphone or tablet or with poster board and stickers to help them keep track.

List what they need to do, for example:

Wash your face
Brush your teeth
Brush your hair
Make your bed
Eat breakfast

Bedtime can be another tough transition. Just as with your morning routine, establishing a bedtime routine trains the brain that it’s time to slow down and go to sleep. If they’re used to staying up late watching a video or playing on their device, setting time limits and a countdown – 30 minutes til bed, 15 minutes til bed, and “here’s your five-minute warning” – can de-escalate tantrums and make the transition to bedtime less stressful or argumentative. Create a bedtime checklist as you did for the morning:

Pack your backpack
Put on your PJs
Brush your teeth
Go potty
Wash your hands
Get your last drink of water

Homework, the bane of parents and children everywhere, is another potential stressor for both parents and kids. Once again, the key is being organized. Check their backpack, Blackboard, or school website to keep track of upcoming projects. Use apps like Cozi to keep the family organized and myHomework, MyStudyLife, or Chalkboard to help manage assignments.

Remember, learning time management is an essential part of your child developing maturity. Creating a routine and setting boundaries helps them internalize structure and learn self-control. “Children who are taught basic routines grow into adults who are efficient and organized,” says Hartwell-Walker. “There’s a lot more to routines than simply getting everyone out the door in the morning and into bed on time at night. Establishing routines provides kids with important skills for life.”

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Parents, It’s Time to Talk About Our Social Media

14/08/2019 Tracey Dowdy 19 Comments

By Tracey Dowdy

As a Gen Xer, my daughters’ childhoods are captured in framed photos, memories, and photo boxes in the closet off my home office. I didn’t start using Facebook until they were both tweens, and perhaps that’s why I understood the importance of not posting photos or posts about them without permission. Tweens are at an age when even having parents is mortifying, and though I sometimes overstepped, I have their consent for what’s in those old Facebook albums and posts.

Fast forward to today, where the oldest members of the millennial cohort are – gasp – turning 40. Lifestyle blogging was in its heyday during the late nineties and early 2000s, and for a while, it seemed like everyone had a blog, especially moms. It wasn’t uncommon to hear graphic stories of diaper blowouts, potty training mishaps, mispronounced words, and other content that exposed the most intimate details of their child’s milestones and behavior.

The issue is that many of those children are now old enough to Google themselves, and those blogs and Facebook posts are impacting them in ways parents didn’t, and arguably couldn’t have anticipated. The children who were the subjects of those posts are in some cases mortified by the content, while the majority simply resents having had no say over their online presence. There’s even a portmanteau for the phenomenon – sharenting.

Perhaps there’s no better example of the conflict between the two perspectives than that of Christie Tate and her daughter. Back in January, Tate, who has been blogging about her family for over a decade, wrote an essay for the Washington Post titled, “My daughter asked me to stop writing about motherhood. Here’s why I can’t.” Though she’s been writing about her children since they were in diapers, it’s only recently that her nine-year-old daughter became aware of what her mom has been writing, and asked her to stop. Tate refused, stating,

They’ve agreed to a compromise where Tate will use a pseudonym rather than her daughter’s real name, and Tate has “agreed to describe to her what I’m writing about, in advance of publication, and to keep the facts that involve her to a minimum.” Her daughter also has the right to veto any pictures of herself she doesn’t want to be posted.

Tate faced considerable backlash, with many calling her selfish and coldhearted. Many on social media sites like Reddit have roasted her, though she did receive some support.

Fourteen-year-old Sonia Bokhari wrote an honest, insightful piece for Fast Company about what it was like to finally be allowed her own social media accounts – long past the age many of her friends had become active – only to discover that her mother and older sister had been documentary her life for years. “I had just turned 13, and I thought I was just beginning my public online life, when in fact there were hundreds of pictures and stories of me that, would live on the internet forever, whether I wanted it to be or not, and I didn’t have control over it. I was furious; I felt betrayed and lied to.”

Bokhari’s mother and sister meant no harm; they posted photos and things she had said that they thought were cute and funny. She explained her feelings to her mother and sister, and they’ve agreed that going forward, they’ll not post anything about her without her consent.

It wasn’t just the embarrassment of having the letter she wrote to the tooth fairy when she was five or awkward family photos. Her digital footprint that concerned Bokhari as well. “Every October my school gave a series of presentations about our digital footprints and online safety. The presenters from an organization called OK2SAY, which educates and helps teenagers about being safe online, emphasized that we shouldn’t ever post anything negative about anyone or post unapproved inappropriate pictures, because it could very deeply affect our school lives and our future job opportunities.” Bokhari concluded that “While I hadn’t posted anything negative on my accounts, these conversations, along with what I had discovered posted about me online, motivated me to think more seriously about how my behavior online now could affect my future.”

Her response to what she learned? Bokhari eventually chose to get off social media altogether.

“I think in general my generation has to be more mature and more responsible than our parents, or even teens and young adults in high school and college… being anonymous is no longer an option. For many of us, the decisions about our online presence are made before we can even speak. I’m glad that I discovered early on what posting online really means. And even though I was mortified at what I found that my mom and sister had posted about me online, it opened up a conversation with them, one that I think all parents need to have with their kids. And probably most importantly, it made me more aware of how I want to use social media now and in the future.”

For many of us, trying to clean up our digital footprint or that of our children feels a lot like trying to get toothpaste back into the tube or trying to make toast be bread again. Still, it’s important to try. You’re not only curating your own reputation; you’re shaping your child’s before they’ve ever had a chance to weigh in.

Consider your audience and your motivation, then evaluate whether or not what your sharing is worth the potential ramifications. The internet is the wild wild west – maybe you need to start acting as the sheriff of your own town.

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Balancing Screen Time During the Summer

21/06/2019 Tracey Dowdy 308 Comments

Parenting comes with many challenges – potty training, convincing your child broccoli isn’t poison, and mastering the fine art of the diorama. But by far, one of the most significant challenges parents face is balancing screen time, particularly over the summer break.

We shouldn’t be too critical of our children, after all, how many of us take any chance we get to binge a season of our favorite shows on Netflix or constantly check our social media and email, and had Snapchat and YouTube been around when we were kids, we’d behave much the same way.

Too much of a good thing makes it no longer a good thing, so how do we balance screen time with time in the real world?

Be A Role Model

It’s cliché, but actions do speak louder than words, so if you want your child to spend less time staring at a screen set the example by putting down your phone and setting boundaries like a Device-Free Dinner.

Plan Family Activities

Summer means ample opportunities to get outside and play. Let your imagination run wild – go hiking, swimming, build a tree house or camp in the backyard. If heat and bugs aren’t your thing, try putt-putt, movies, or plan a family game night.

Set Device Free Zones

Just like the idea of a Device-Free Dinner, set rooms or times when screens are off limits. For example, no screens at the table, in the bathroom, or the car unless it’s a road trip.

Set a Timer

Let’s face it, going cold turkey is never going to last and your crew will likely mutiny, so a much better plan is to set time limits. You’ll know what works for your family, but set boundaries like no screens before breakfast or after eight pm, or cap their total amount for the day or the week. There are plenty of great apps for Android and iPhone to take the guesswork and prevarication out of the equation.

Set Boundaries

At the very least, make a rule of one screen at a time. If it’s movie night, no phones or tablets. That may be a harder one for parents than for kids if you’re sitting through Secret Life of Pets for the fourth time, but it’s important to lead by example.

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Help Your Teen Finish the School Year Strong

04/06/2019 Tracey Dowdy 233 Comments

A friend of mine is a high school guidance counselor and though there’s never really a season her department isn’t busy, the race to the end of the school year seems to amplify everything from emotions to deadlines.

Whether it’s the high-achievers who’ve given their throughout the year and are running out of emotional energy and physical stamina or those who’ve been coasting and now realize that what they thought was the light at the end of the tunnel is the train coming straight at them, tensions can start to run high. For students with IEP’s, learning differences, attentional or behavioral issues, or social-emotional vulnerability, the end of the year can be a seemingly endless series of stressors.

As parents, there are few things more heartbreaking than watching your child struggle and knowing there are limits to how much you can help. Learning to manage schedules and stress is part of the maturing process, so it’s essential to walk beside your child, supporting them, rather than in front, snow-plow style, clearing the path for them.

If your child seems to be struggling, these strategies from family therapist, Roy Dowdy can help.

Start with a conversation. Talk to your child, his teachers, and his counselor to help identify specific triggers to stress and anxiety. “Once you’ve identified the stressor, you can implement solutions,” Dowdy says. “If it’s time management, help them create a schedule for their time outside of class. There are countless apps to help manage screen time – one of the biggest distractions – help with organization, and homework help. By incorporating your student in the process, you’re equipping them, not solving problems for them, which in turn boosts their confidence and gives them the tools necessary to face the next challenge.”

Make home a Judgement Free Zone. When you talk to your student, be careful not to pass judgment on them, even if the reasons for their distress seems insignificant to you. Anxiety distorts emotions, and that’s just as true for teens as adults. Suggesting their feelings are invalid will only exacerbate the problem and make them less likely to ask for help.

One bite at a time. There’s an old joke, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” That’s how you’re going to attack this problem. Identify the stressor and come up with a short term solution. You’ve summer break and the next school year to implement long-term changes, but for now, work the problem in front of you,” Dowdy says. “Sure your son’s constant procrastination is what got him into this mess, and your daughter’s unwillingness to see that hours playing video games is why her room is a mess, and she can’t find her school uniform. But while a lecture on “If you had listened when I told you…” sure would feel good for you, it isn’t going to help your child at this moment. Put out the fire, then talk about implementing “fire drills” going forward.

Take the conversation to the school. Your child’s teachers and advisors are invested in their success too, so it’s essential to involve them in the discussion. By sharing your strategies with school staff, you’ve doubled your child’s cheerleaders and cut your burden in half.

Remember, you may not have the whole picture. Kids don’t often disclose everything that happens in any given situation. Remember, your teen is a former toddler, so the same child who was caught stealing his brother’s dessert and denying it is the one who’s telling you his teacher is out to get him and unfair. If school staff tell you something about your child’s actions, moods, or learning style – even, or especially if it surprises or upsets you — try to listen and hear them out. You tried to pull things over on your parents, and your child is capable of the same behavior.

Finally, if these strategies aren’t enough and your child still feels as though they’re drowning, it may be time to talk to a therapist. Dowdy’s practice is focused on families, and he has students in his office every week who are struggling to manage the demands of school, family, and their friends. “Think how overwhelmed you get trying to juggle that work/life balance. Now look at it from your teen’s perspective – someone who’s schedule and expectations are usually set by you, the parent, or by the school. That feeling of powerlessness can be incredibly stressful.”

To find a counselor, Dowdy suggests talking to the school guidance counselor, psychologist, or Dean of Students, your pediatrician, or other parents you know and trust for a referral to a counselor that specializes in adolescent mental health.